Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
