The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
