i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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