i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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