i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
