did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It's Friday. Sex?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
