You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
