I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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