Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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