if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
