I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
