Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I want a musical about memes.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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