Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
