Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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