people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
