nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
