I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
