I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
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I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
All I want is dick and wine.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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