cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
