Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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