Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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