I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
