...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
