I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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