8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
