i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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