i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I checked into jail on foursquare
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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