The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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