What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
