Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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