Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
