Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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