don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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