I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
