My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
