She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Your dad touched me again.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
