I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
