I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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