Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
what day is it and did you see me today?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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