You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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