i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
