yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
