Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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