Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT