I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
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Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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