well I can't set my house on fire every night
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
