I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all