thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
