and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
