Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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