You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
