I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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