if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
