we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
