i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
