I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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